Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Identity Crisis

I seem to be struggling with my very Beppiness today.
I'm at a crossroads regarding my job that I've been coming to for a long time and haven't wanted to face. I don't want a "job". I want to do something that will nurture and fulfill me. is that thing, but I'm not sure what direction to take it or how to go about getting to the point where I'm making enough to make up for quitting my "real" job.
I've wanted to quit my job pretty much since I started, but today I was forced to start looking at quitting as a real possibility, because they want me to start working nights and are angry with me for the vacation time I want to take. I realize that a retail business needs employees that will work when the customers are there, and that they can't offer unlimited time off to their employees. But I need to be able to take time off with Ben when he can have it and not worry about my work schedule being in the way. And I need to spend time with my husband every day.
I realize that there are tons of couples who don't spend every evening together, and who don't see each other a lot. There are wives who don't try to be home when their husbands will be and who don't make dinner for them because there aren't kids to cook for.
I think that's sad. It's just not what I want my life to be. I'm happy cleaning and being at home. I'm happy when I don't have to work around a work schedule of my own to be able to be with Ben. I'm not happy working a job where I feel that I don't please the people I work with. A job that I've never been trained to do properly.
I've come to the point where I have to decide whether I can really do the down and dirty work it will take to make a financial success out of craft designing and selling and teaching. I want to. I'm not sure how.

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